My journey began many years ago, back in 1998…
Even though I’ve lived here in Germany for over 20 years, I am still an American. In 1998, I was living in my very own house that was on the beach in Florida. My life was good and nothing failed, except that which most people so fervently search for – LOVE. It just so happened that one evening, I was on the computer that I’d just bought and set up just a few days before, and an Instant Message through AOL came up on my screen. It was a message from a man that lived in Germany.
Back then, I knew nothing about Germany, and I had no intentions of learning anything about the country because I had always been totally enamored by England, and to live in that lovely country was my greatest desire. I nicely told the gentleman from Germany to piss off, but every evening, there he was, like one of those shit-house-flies that wouldn’t go away. He must have sat there for hours until I went online (I didn’t know it then, but nowadays, we call that stalking). After about two weeks of trying to get rid of him (I hadn’t learned about blocking anyone on the new computer yet), I finally gave in and talked with him. What a charmer he was. He told me that all he wanted was to practice his German speaking skills. Well, eventually, the Instant Messages ended up turning into telephone calls…from him. The man had a voice as smooth and rich as melted milk chocolate and his accent was more than delightful.
To make a long story short, after thousands of ‘Deutsch-marks’ that he had spent to call me every day, brown paper packages tied up with string & filled with my favorite yummie nibbles, huge bouquets of roses and what I thought were heartfelt declarations of love, I ended up moving here and marrying the dude. Humm. When I moved there, I couldn’t speak German…yes, no, and thank you was about the extent of my German speaking skills. Just great! Aarrrgggh!
At that time, I was a Catholic-Christian and yes, I went to church every Sunday, read the Bible and prayed before every meal and before I went beddy-bye, it all meant a lot to me. It seemed as though he knew my type and he also knew how to get under my skin – in the most positive way. He very easily ended up clenching the deal of me coming to Germany and becoming his wife by telling me that he felt that we had the same religious practices. Hmmm. Errr, I believed him. Damn!
He took me to church and I quickly ascertained that they were speaking in a language that was totally different than what I was expecting. I was frustrated. He was happy. After about two more tries of church….I finally gave up. He was ecstatic. His true colors were beginning to show. I felt lost. He felt in total control. My heart grew heavier. He grew colder and more distant. My tears flowed like rivers. He watched TV.
One week, he had to go away on business. I was stuck in that dark, basement apartment and the loneliness began to creep in on me. I got on the computer to try to find anyone who would talk with me because I just couldn’t take it any longer. I didn’t find anyone who would give in to the fact they could speak English and that brought me down even further than I had ever been, but luckily, not for too long, because I ended up finding something else, something that filled me with a spark hope.
A plethora of feelings and emotions began to swirl within me. I began to feel somewhat energized when I found a lovely website on Spiritual things, but I also felt afraid because of my Christian beliefs. But then I began to think about how Catholicism and Christianity hadn’t help me to avoid a situation that took away what I though were the best years of my life. I made a decision.
I, for once, didn’t follow the old, out-dated rules and teachings of my life in America. Instead, I decided to follow my heart and my desires, and I took a VERY long look at the wonderful, hope giving website that had caught my attention. It was like I was finding out about a new world…possibly a new-found-life! However, I was still a bit afraid that the devil that I was told I had to believe in was going to take me straight to hell, but at the same time, I was pumped because I was beginning to feel alive again.
A ray of light, a ray of hope was beginning to fill the dark, empty space that had been my lonely, depressed life in Germany.
The light in my life was getting brighter and I was beginning the journey of healing and strengthening my body, mind and soul…